Fade
by evil-mastermind666
Summary: AU Firstperson Hermione fic. After Hogwarts, after the war, character deaths. Hermione has some problems, and decides to listen to some music after a long day. HGSS.


**Author's Note: Ok, I'll be the first to admit that I've been reading WAY too much HG-SS fanfics. But I love them so! I decided to try my hand at my own. Actually, funny story, I was listening to music after a hard day of looking after my aunt's nearly year old baby (my aunt just got out of the hospital; least I can do is help her out since my uncle won't…lazy bum.) and watching a terrifying movie. I heard the song Fade by Staind and it really hit me as a good way to not only exorcize the demon possessing my mind (this HG-SS plot bunny), but to keep me from freaking out while in my aunt's mildly creepy house after watching a scary movie. So I'm a wimp, you can just NOT read my story. pouts Can I help my horribly vivid imagination?**

**In other news, I'll be updating "I Dreamed A Dream", this just …distracted me is all. Tell me if I'm completely off my rocker or if you love it, or if you have a random comment to make that has nothing to do with the story. beams those reviews are the most fun to read, and write. Enjoy! **

**PS. This is definitely Hermione's point of view, as Canadian-ized as it is. I did my best…**

**Oh, here's your warning, there's a reason it's rated M. Keep it in mind folks! Cursing, descriptions of brutality, stuff like that.**

**DISCLAIMER! I definitely don't own Harry Potter, or any part of JKR's world. It'd be kinda cool though… **

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Listening to Muggle music is my guilty pleasure. Unlike the rest of my life, I don't feel like I have to dissect it or anything, I just let myself go, and experience it. After a hard day of dealing with Those Rotten Gits (AKA Harry and Ron) I had to go to my room and listen to a hard rock album. Not even glancing at the cover, I plucked a CD at random from my shelf and put it in my CD player. It's too bad the Muggle wireless doesn't work in Grimmauld Place, I thought wistfully, I might've been able to experience some new music…

Hitting the shuffle button, I heard the opening chords of my favourite song of the album. "I sure know how to choose an appropriate song, I must be magic!" I thought, then winced. Never again can I even think such a cheesy joke. Then I stiffened and listened, really listened to the song…

"_I try to breathe, memories overtaking me, I try to face them but the thought is too much to conceive…"_

Tears stung my eyes as memories of the past summer flew before my eyes. The Final Battle, the Daily Prophet called it. It's only final for those not left with the nightmares of that horrible night. Unlike them, I get to relive it every night! Reminds me of that U2 song, where Bono sings, "Broken bottles at the children's feet, bodies strewn across a dead end street". Well it reminds me of that when I'm not waking up shaking. Mangled bodies everywhere: Order members, Death Eaters, and innocent bystanders. shudder The surprised look on Voldemort's face when Harry ran him through with Godric Gryffindor's sword that he somehow got from the Sorting Hat in second year.

"…_I only know that I can change, everything else just stays the same, and now I step out of the darkness that my life became…"_

What good is changing me going to do? Nothing can bring Severus back; nothing can change how I feel about him, I thought, tears falling freely now. I went to my bedside table and tapped it with my wand to open a secret drawer containing my journal that I kept for the entire year after graduating from Hogwarts, and flipped through the pages without seeing them.

"…_I just needed someone to talk to, you were just too busy with yourself, you were never there for me to express how I felt I just stuffed it down…"_

Why didn't you notice anything was wrong for 6 years, Harry? Oh right, you were preparing for the Final Battle, you've been waiting your whole life to be the saviour of the world! Even Ginny didn't click into anything being wrong, and she was more perceptive than Harry and Ron put together. Oh Ginny… I sniffled and tried to shove away the last image I have of her: lying in a pool of her own blood, the aftermath of being raped by MacNair, Avery, Malfoy Sr., and god knows how many others. At least Draco hexed the hell out of his father for what he did. I just wished I could've died instead of her. I'd be with Severus now.

"…_Now I'm older and I feel like I can let some of this anger fade but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made. So where were you when all this I was going through you never took the time to ask me just what you could do…"_

I've been so angry and resentful toward the boys for not understanding what I'm going through right now. They've always hated Professor Snape, and made fun of me when I called him Severus. Excuse me for not wanting to call my …boyfriend? Lover? … by his first name instead of _Snape_ like they did! Ron's still angry that I don't want to shag him. I don't love him like that as I've told him numerous times. Harry could understand what I'm going through, but NO he's stubborn, and thinks that he's the only one that lost someone dear to their heart, and that Ginny should mean everything to everyone and Severus is just a side note.

"_I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself, you were never there for me to express how I felt I just stuffed it down. Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made…"_

All I wanted was for one of them to wake up and realize that something wasn't right. Try, "Hmm I wonder why Hermione started wearing those long sleeved shirts all the time since third year, even in the summer?" or maybe, "I wonder why she's taking those pills her parents send every so often?" and, "Hey wait a minute she didn't take a pill this morning and now she's all withdrawn and sad, what's up with that?". Thanks for the concern; you've really been there for me. As long as I was reading a book I was still the same old Hermione. It's funny, because Severus commented to me the first time we spoke in Grimmauld Place's library last September (we were all living there because, well, there weren't many other safe places to hide) that I seem to bury myself in books to escape from my troubles. Of course, that was before he knew anything at all about my …history, so how was he to know that at that particular moment I was trying to restrain myself from locking myself in my bathroom and taking a fast acting fatal poison? I guess he must've been confused when I dashed out of there crying. He meant it as a joke, because Harry and Ron don't normally bother me while I'm reading seeing as I snap at them when they're stupid enough to. Which he told me when he came after me to apologize… and found me about to drink poison, and needless to say, was not pleased. I've never seen his face go that white before, it was a bit frightening. I broke down, told him everything and we became friends. Then we became definitely more than friends, as was discovered one day when I kissed him (no, it was not in the library… it was in my room actually blushes). And now he's gone…

"…_but I never meant to fade away, I never meant to fade away… I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself, you were never there for me to express how I felt I just stuffed it down, now I'm older and I feel like I can let some of this anger fade but it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made… I try to breathe…"_

I let out a sigh and shut off the CD as the song finished. I went into my bathroom and washed my face, dwelling on the memories of this room and my bedroom. I casually glanced over my shoulder and froze.

No way… in my bedroom doorway… he was there! I blinked, and realized it was just my mind playing cruel tricks on me. I know he's gone, that bitch Bellatrix Lestrange tried to kill me with that fucking curse on that night during the Final Battle but he decided to be noble and took the hit instead of me. Remus got her for me (and poor Sirius, he was never the same after Sirius fell through the veil) which I found out later.

FLASHBACK!

A jet of red light came zooming across the field and as I looked I froze in horror as Severus pushed me to the ground and was hit in the chest with the spell. He sunk to the ground and I stopped noticing what was going on around us on the battlefield. I wasn't sure what spell she'd used on him, but it definitely wasn't Stupefy. He immediately started coughing, and the handkerchief that came away from his mouth was bloody. I immediately came over beside him and cradled his head in my lap. His breathing became slower and more laboured as he fought the coughing to speak to me.

"Hermione…" he croaked.

"Shh," I put a shaky finger to his lips, "You're going to be ok, I'm not letting you leave me!"

He coughed up more blood and said, "I'm not sure your stubbornness will be able to fix this one."

"Don't say that! I've made you change your mind about a lot of things… by the way, you made a very selfless and Gryffindor move back there," I said while trying not to cry.

He smiled the special smile he saves for when it's just us together and simply said, "I love you Hermione."

At that I started crying. "I love you too." I kissed him, and realized that not only my eyes were wet.

"I should've married you…" he said as he trailed off into a coughing fit. His eyes were dimming and I fought hard to keep from cursing everything in sight.

He sat up, gripped my arms and rasped, "Hermione, you must… must promise me… don't get yourself killed in this bloody fight. You have to be strong…"

I sobbed into his shoulder, "I'm coming with you! I love you Severus; that has to count for something!"

"It has changed me for the better Hermione. Just… don't let Potter take all the credit, you deserve much more than being in his shadow."

I just smiled. "You are a good man Severus Snape, despite how hard you try to deny it."

His eyes closed as he laid back and murmured "I love you Hermione."

END FLASHBACK!

I was startled out of my memories when I realized someone was watching me. I looked up into his eyes and tried to speak, but nothing came out.

"The insufferable know-it-all is at a loss for words?" he teased.

"But… Severus…" I managed to gasp out. I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them. He was still there, with a slightly bemused expression on his face. He then held out his hand.

"Let's get out of here."

I took his hand, and a rush of pure warmth went through me. I nodded and said, "let's go."

We walked out of the room arm in arm without a backward glance. Just as we were left the room Harry and Ron turned the corner and abruptly stopped, dumbstruck. I waved to them and Severus scowled, then relaxed. We faded through the wall at the end of the hallway as Ron looked at Harry and exclaimed,

"Did you just see that!" Harry just nodded, still too much in shock to say anything.

The boys went into my room and discovered my body lying on my bed with a fresh rose in my hand and a peaceful expression on my face.


End file.
